Troy: As Seen and Heard by Teenage Writers
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Yet another Troy parody, and the title says it all, really. It IS a laugh, by Zeus! Read it and laugh! Don't worry, no time travel aside from glaring anachronisms. SLASH and LANGUAGE. R&R, Read AND Review, you, you, folk! Chapter 8 [and rating] up!
1. Forewords

Disclaimer: my apologies to anyone who actually knows l33t. I, sadly, do not. I tried my best, but my best is trying to copy it off megatokyo….(sheepish grin) and the ILLIAD belongs to Homer, who kicked mad ass, but he's dead, RIP him, and the TROY movie belongs to some punkass director.

Muahahahaha. Which, no matter what Anza says, is not spelled with a "w". There will be as much slash as I can cram in here and still make work, there will be many references to Cassander, possibly some X-men and Kingdom of Heaven stuff eventually too, because Agamamnon was in X2 and Menelaus and Paris were both in Kingdom of Heaven. As soon as I get Kingdom of Heaven for my very own, rest assured I will make another one of these things especially for my crusadey pals in that fandom.

This one's for Anza, Gill, and Ravey. In loving memory of that time we slept over Rave's house and watched TROY and laughed at all the bits that could be taken as innuendo.

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TROY

**Map: **Tons of stuff which anyone not familiar with the Illiad will be totally confused about.

**Educated audience: **Yeah, yeah, we know! Let's go!

**Uneducated Audience: **What? Wait! I don't get it!

Opening: Sand. Lots of sand.

**Odysseus voice-over: **I'm going to die. You are going to die. We're all going to die. What else is there to be afraid of? Well, no more diving, of course…and no more fighting or banging either…(cries) I DON'T WANNA DIE!

**Scenery:** (sits there)

**Audience:** (sits there)

**Odysseus: **(cough) Uhh…men are wigged out about death. We wonder: will dudes born way way after us know about us and hear about our ass whupping and NC-17 scenes? Hell yeah, y'all! I gotz me a sequel! XP

**Homer: **(glare)

**Odysseus: **(cough)...Moving on.

(cool background music)

(two big-ass armies skip onto the field and for some reason stop within bowshot range of each other)

**Important-looking old dudes in chariots: **(ride out to middle)

**Agamemnon: **Yep, yo boys're dead dudes walkin'.

**Thessaly king: **Bugger off.

**Agamemnon: **Hell no, it's nice here. I think we'll stay. (leers at Thessaly king)

**Thessaly king: **(backs up a step) er…

**Agamemnon: **I like your soldiers, too. /winks at soldiers/

**Soldiers: **. . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Thessaly king: (**scoff) they won't fight for YOU. You're gross.

**Agamemnon: **That's what everyone else said. Now they ALL 'fight' for me.

**Thessaly king: **Dude, you can't take over the world. It's too cliché.

**Agamemnon: **(pout) Well, if you're going to be like that, I suppose we WON'T have a war.

**Thessaly king: **You know, we could just let two fighters duke it out, gladiator style.

**Agamemnon: **You're so stupid. How did an idiot like you become king/scoff/ I have SUCH a better idea: we take two soldiers we don't like and we could just let them duke it out, gladiator style!

**Thessaly king: **. . . I just said that…

**Agamemnon: **That's why no one will remember your name.

**Thessaly king: **(sniffle) MEANIE! ...…what if my dude wins?

**Agamemnon: **HA! Yeah, we'll just take over your land anyway.

**Thessaly king: **(pout)

**Agamemnon: **Fine. You get to keep your damn land if your dude wins.

**Thessaly king: **(satisfied smile) There we go. Now, for my fighter. (whips out pokeball) Boagrius, I CHOOSE YOU!

**Boagrius: **………?

**Thessaly king: **Oh. There you are. (throws pokeball over shoulder)

**Pokeball:** (hits Nestor on forehead)

**Thessaly king:** Soldiers of Thessaly! Bang stuff!

**Thessaly soldiers: **Er, right now? Here? In front of the Greeks…?

**Thessaly king: **Yes, yes, bang your spears on your shields!

**Thessaly soldiers: **OHHHHHHHH…… (bang spears on shields)

**Boagrius: **w00t! Ph34r m4 l33t355! Ph34r!

**Agamemnon: **MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! ACHILLES!

**Greek army: **er…(scuffle feet) About that…

**Thessaly dudes: **(snicker)

**Thessaly king: **OHO! Snap! (cracks knuckles nonchalantly) Yep, Boagrius has this effect on MANY "heroes"…

**Agamemnon: **WHERE THE HELL IS ACHILLES!

**Officer: **err…. We're sending a boy to go get him…

**Agamemnon: **(rubs temples) So, what you're telling me is this: we have a small boy tagging along with my army, we're sending him after ACHILLES, we know where Achilles is but can't be arsed to check that he's here before the battle, and, most disturbingly, you are trusting said brat with one of my horses.

**Officer: **The kid's very polite, and I'm sure he'll return the hors-

**Agamemnon: **I was referring to Achilles…Okay, kid. Fetch Achilles. Go on! (claps hands)(points) FETCH! Go on, now, boy! Fetch!

**Messenger boy: **Eh?

**Agamemnon: **Go get the blond monkey warrior.

**Messenger boy: **Ohhhhhh…… (runs off)

**

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Achilles: mmmmm……Cassander….. **

**Messenger boy: **(looks nervously at tent flap)(shrugs)(goes in) DUDE!

**Achilles: **WTF! I was having a good dream….a VERY good dream…

**Messenger boy: **I….I'm scarred for life….

**Achilles: (**sits up)(looks around) Dude! Sweet! It wasn't a dream!

**Messenger boy: **MY EYES! MY EYES! (claws at face)

**Achilles: **But if it wasn't a dream, what happened to all the pretty colors and the dancing sparkly penguins singing the Llama Song...(shakes head sadly) I'll miss those sparkly penguins… So, what up?

**Messenger boy: **(clapping hands firmly over eyes) FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS! PUT CLOTHES ON!

**Achilles: **(somehow outside, dressed, and sitting on horse) Ahahaha! There is no such thing as bad publicity! (rides off into sunset, despite the fact that it's morning)


	2. Awaiting Achilles and Waiiiiiiting

Well, after quite a while (someone had borrowed my DVDs and there was much general busyness and exams and then going away for two weeks with no internet...)

But today, dearest readers, I have nothing whatsoever to do so I am getting my arse in gear and updating as much as my muses will allow. I will now watch an episode of Blackadder, then in a few hours I'll post the next chapter of this. I hope to get through three or four chapters for this fic today. Rest assured, I will do my very best to get through the entire thing by the end of August. (storm clouds loom overhead, shaped into "HA HA HA, PULL THE OTHER ONE")

Enjoy. Chapter 3 should be up within two hours or so. Huggles and cookies to all reviewers. --Amanita

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Soldiers: ACHILLES! ACHILLES!

Achilles: Yeah-heah, boiz! Cheer!

Soldier # 234: (whispers) we're…yelling at him, aren't we?

Soldier #843: (puzzled) yeah…

Both: (shrug) ACHILLES! ACHILLES! YOU IDIOT!

Achilles: Ah, my public. (sees Boagrius) (dismounts) (pout)

Agamemnon: You pull this stunt one more time, mister, and I mean ONE more time, and you are gonna be whipped into next week! Do you understand me, young man?

Achilles: Fine. I won't fight. Kinky old bastard. Fight him yourself.

Nestor: Achilles, don't be stupid. All these extras will die if you don't fight. Look at their faces. They just want to get paid, get their face time, and go home. You can save the producer hundreds of dollars. You can end this fight scene with a swing of your sword. C'mon.

Achilles fangirls: YES! HAHAHAHA! SWORD! SWORD! SWORD!

(This section has been cut due to far too many sword jokes)

Readers: Awww!

(now back to our story)

Achilles: (shakes head) NO. I won't fight. This is my little way of stickin' it to the man!

Nestor: But, Achilles…you are the man. (laughs internally)

Achilles: Maybe. Wait…

Nestor: (waits for Achilles' brain to short circ-)

Achilles: AH! CONFUSION! Fine. Your so-called "logic", if that IS indeed what it is called, wins. (sigh) I shall fight the oaf.

Boagrius: (pout)

Achilles: (walks over to Boagrius) You wanna START something? (War Pout)

Boagrius: Bring it on, nancy boy. (Condescending Pout)

Achilles: So it's like that, is it? Well take THIS! (Double Secret Probation Pout)

Dude from Zoolander: It's a walkoff…..

Everyone: ……………

Legolas: I'll judge, if no one has any objections. Come here.

Achilles: Pretty… (drool)

Legolas: Ew. Down, boy. We must lay out the rules of this engagement. Right, simple walkoff, old school rules. First fighter (cough) walks, second fighter imitates, then elaborates.

Thessaly soldier #4: That's not the exact quote!

Legolas: I don't care! I'm making an amusing cameo! We're having a walkoff for Thessaly! No one cares if I get the quote right!

Boagrius: …………….rawr?

Achilles: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Achilles: (coughs) Ahem. Right. Age before beauty, goat milk.

Agamemnon: …………You're against Boagrius….

Achilles: Right. Sorry. (nods to B)

(walkoff ensues)

(ten minutes later)

Achilles: This is boring!

Boagrius: (trying to do the underwear thing)

Achilles: BWAHAHAHAHA! (stabs B) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Agamemnon: (sniffle) (wipes away tear of pride) That's my boy!

Achilles: (nances over to Thessaly king)

Thessaly king: Who are you, you little brat? Stop trying to steal my sceptre!

Kid: I'm--

Achilles: (tosses hair) I am Achilles!

Thessaly king: …..I remember the name…I seem to recall that party a few years ago, when you and Hector--

Achilles: (snatches sceptre) (clubs Thessaly King over the head) HA HA I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, CRAZY OLD MAN WHAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

Kid: …I think you're supposed to give it to your dad…

Achilles: He's not my dad!

Barbara: Shaun!

Shaun: He's not! He was, but--- come on, mum, let's go.

(they exit)


	3. Is There No One Else, Hector wails

Yes, here it is, in just about an hour, too! I've decided I'll get more done if I'm doing lots ofquickie little chapters. Sorry if it irritates you, but believe me, things will be done faster this way. Hope you're enjoying!

Somehow these later chapters don't seem to me to be as good as the first one...Ah well! I don't care, and will soldier on for a few more chapters! Enjoy, dolls...

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**Spartans:** FRIENDSHIP! 

**Trojans:** FRIENDSHIP!

**Spartans:** BROTHERS-IN-ARMS

**Trojans:** BROTHERS-IN-ARMS

**Spartans:** THIS IS A REPEAT AFTER ME SONG!

**Trojans:** THIS IS A REPEAT AFTER ME SONG!

**Spartans:** WAY DOWN YONDER BUT NOT FAR OFF!

**Trojans:** WAY DOWN YONDER BUT NOT FAR OFF!

**Spartans:** PARIS DIED OF THE WHOOPING COUGH!

**Trojans:** …What?

**Spartans:** It's an old camp favourite…?

**Menelaus:** Oh, who cares. Prince of Troy, Princess of Troy--

**Hector:** Paris is a guy, actually…

**Menelaus:** Really? Damn.

**Helen:** Really? Damn.

**Paris:** Really? Oh, wait…yeah.

**Menelaus:** I will now make a speech, praising both of us and saying suspiciously admiring things about your dad.

**Hector:** As long as Paris doesn't get a hold of any serving---too late.

**Menelaus:** (waves hand) Eh. It's fine. I can hook up with Paris later.

**Paris:** Ew.

**Menelaus:** (cough) er…drink with me! We'll go down and have a couple of Bloody Marys at the Garden, then pick up a couple atthe Little Princess, then BAM! Back to the bar for shots! How's that for a slice of fried gold?

**Hector:** ...

**Menelaus: **To peace!

**Hector:** To peace!

**Menelaus:** May the gods keep the women in the hills and the wolves in our beds!

**Paris:** Woof woof!

**Hector:** …isn't it the other way 'round..?

**Menelaus:** (leans in) have you SEEN some of the Spartan birds?

**Hector:** Yes, your serving girls…

**Menelaus:** I have no serving girls. I have serving boys, and female dancers which have been imported, but no Spartan serving girls.

**Hector:** O.o

**Menelaus:** Indeed.

(feasting, fighting, shagging ensues)

**Menelaus:** (dances with strippers) (sashays up to Hector) (hugs rather suspiciously)

**Hector:** (backs away) (holds wine cup in front of him as barrier) FOR THE GODS!

**Menelaus:** (winks lasciviously) For the gods!

**Paris:** ("talking" with serving boy) OOH HELEN IS LEAVING TO GO UPSTAIRS! HURR! (looks round) (puts on sunglasses) (hums Mission Impossible theme song as he sidles up stairs)

**Serving boy:** (pout)

**Hector:** (espies lonely serving boy) (espies Paris sidling upstairs, humming MI theme song) (starts to follow Paris upstairs) Eh. Screw him.

**Serving boy:** Yes please!

(more fighting, feasting, shagging, and general drunken chaos ensues)

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Having as much fun as I am? REVIEW! Please...? 


	4. Not So Secret Lovers

Yet another chapter. The size line and Helen's "get more coffee, it's horrid" line are from Blackadder. Sadly, I did not make those up. They work, though. And I just have to say that it is totally not fair that Helen still looks so freaking hot when she's bawling her eyes out. I mean, any normal person would be a mess but she manages to make it look sexy. WTF? I guess it comes from being the daughter of Zeus, skanky sneaky gi--er, god. (No 'fense meant, sir, no 'fense meant...)

I freaking love this movie...it is right up there with Alexander...so bad it's good. You know what would be hot and totally fabulous? Hector/Hephaestion, that's what. Actually, Hector/Andromache is one of the few het pairings I absolutely love. They are just so cute together. It's also one of the only canon pairings I absolutely love from like any fandom. They're just so friggin adorable! Andromache looks uber anorexic in Troy, though, has anyone else noticed? Whenever my mum watches it with me and Andromache comes on mum is like "Go get yourself a cookie! That baby weighs more than you do!" I love my mum. She nicknamed the orc captain in RotK Potato-Head. She talks about Terry Pratchett with me and bought me Darkly Dreaming Dexter, which is now one of my favourite books and which you all should totally read.

But I digress. Here is the chapter. Unless I get distracted, the next one will be up within the hour. Kisses to all and sundry.

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Helen: Damn, I shouldn't wear so much jewellery. (tries to wrench tiara out of her hair) GAH IT IS CAUGHT!

Paris: (comes in) (locks door) (still humming MI song off-key)

Helen: You shouldn't be humming that song.

Paris: (in what he obviously considers a sexy voice) But you like it. You said so last night.

Helen: Last night I was drunk.

Paris: And the night before?

Helen: I have drunk many people under the table this week. Including you, my darling pretty nancy boy. Now shoo. I am trying to brush the stray bits of gold out of my hair.

Paris: (tries to be poetic) Ah, but all of your hair is as gold!

Helen: (still brushing furiously) No, you gorgeous twit, there are golden discs stuck in my hair, shiny and lovely and perfect though it otherwise is. Stupid jewellery fetish my husband has.

Paris: (comes up behind Helen)

Helen: Can you not take a hint?

Paris: Er… (Grabs Helen's neck)

Helen: Meow.

Paris: (starts fondling Helen's neck)

Helen: (purrrrrr)

Paris: (accidentally starts strangling Helen)

Helen: GNGHHH (claws at neck) (tries to breathe)

Paris: Ooh, sorry. That noise you made was sexy though.

Helen: What, when I was gasping for air?

Paris: Umm…

Helen: (rolls eyes)

Paris: Well, fine! Do you want me to go? Is that it? Huh? Huh? Menelaus wants me too, you know.

Helen: Ew.

Paris: Yeah. I know.

Helen: (strips)

Dress: FREEDOM!

Paris: (stare)

Helen: (presses self against Paris) OH EM GEE! Holy fuck, that's cold! Take your goddamn armour off! Bloody fuck, that's freezing!

Paris: (Passionately makes out with Helen)

Helen: It chafes too, goddamnit! (strips Paris) Mmm, much better. (resumes passionate makeout)

--MEANWHILE DOWNSTAIRS--

Hector: (fending off drunken advances from everyone and their brother) What the hell is taking Paris so long? (avoids another drunken letch)

Men: (singing drunkenly)

Drunken Letch #23: (throws up on Hector's sandals)

Hector: I am going to kill that kid. (walks past Menelaus)

Menelaus: (sucking face with dancer) Wait…you're not a guy!

Dancer: (giggle) I used to be!

Menelaus: Uhhh…ok! Whatever! I'm drunk, so everything is fine and dandy! (resumes sucking face with dancer)

BACK ON THE RANCH

Paris: I have a pretty necklace! See? (puts on necklace)

Helen: Get more coffee! It's horrid! Change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my presents!

Paris: (flustered) All right, all right, which one do you want me to do first?

Helen: I want a prezzie!

Paris: Here, here! (hands over ring)

Helen: It's a tiny titchy ring. I want a big prezzie!

Paris: Size isn't important. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it.

Helen: I WANT A PREZZIE OR I'LL DRAG YOU DOWN TO MENELAUS!

Paris: All right, all right! I'll take you to Troy with me.

Helen: (claps hands) Ooh, goody! Really?

Paris: Umm, yeah. If you come with me, there's kinda gonna be a bit of trouble. Men are kinda sorta gonna hunt us--

Helen: Ooh. Kinky.

Paris: (cough) The gods will curse us.

Helen: Hmm…Zeus is my father, so I don't know if that's kinky or creepy…Ah well! Incest does run in the family, after all.

Paris: Yeah, I guess. Can we shag again?

Helen: How much time until the ship leaves?

Paris: I think it leav--

Helen: Ok, we'll shag.

(they shag each other rotten)


	5. Brothers' Arguments

A/N: God, Paris is so stupid...he really is...oh, how I love him. Heh. This is such fun to write! I'm so glad everyone likes it so much...this story has gotten the most hits out of anything else I've written. Yay!

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**

**Paris**: A beautiful morning! (sings) Sailing, sailing, the wind is on our side. As is the Sea God!

**Hector**: You slept with Poseidon AGAIN?

**Paris**: (cough)

**Hector**: Sometimes the Gods bless you in the morning and curse you in the afternoon.

**Paris**: Oh, you've slept with Aires too? Possessive, that one. Absolutely mental. Good shag, though.

**Hector**: (ignores)

**Paris**: Do you love me, brother? Would you protect me against any enemy?

**Hector**: The last time you spoke to me like this was when you were drunk and thought I was someone called Cassander. The time before that you were drunk and had just slept with father's whore. Who have you screwed now? Besides yourself, obviously?

**Paris**: (cough) I…I have to show you something.

**Hector**: That sounds really creepy. Then again, incest does run in the family.

**Paris**: I've heard that before, somewhere. (shrug) Ah well! Come on below decks!

**Hector**: If you hit on me, I will pound your scrawny ass into the floor of the cargo hold.

**Paris**: I--

**Hector**: Not like that, you perv. As in I will beat the crap out of you if you try anything remotely sketchy.

**Paris**: You are made for fighting. It's not my fault the gods made me for loving.

**Homer**: Hmm…that is a good quote. I shall have to use it in my book.

**Hector**: Goddamnit, what the hell is your ex doing on the boat?

**Paris**: Which one?

**Hector**: Homer. Or something. The blind-y one.

**Paris**: For someone who's supposedly blind, he sure could--

**Hector**: I SO do not want to hear it. Now what did you want me to see?

**Paris**: (leads way to below decks)

**Hector**: Wow. We had a below decks?

**Paris: **Yeah. Funny, that.

**Helen**: (whips off dress)

**Hector**: …

**Helen**: Oops! (puts dress on) (whips off blanket)

**Hector**: What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do. You. Dumbass. Brother. Of. Mine.

**Paris**: I…kinda borrowed Menelaus' wife for a bit.

**Helen**: He has a massive hangover, though, one the size of Achilles'--

**Hector: **(cough) Ladies present.

**Helen: **EGO. I was going to say EGO. And I am a lady.

**Paris: **What? Oh, yeah.

**Helen: **Yeahhh…why did I leave my husband for you…?

**Paris: **Cos I shag like a minx.

**Helen: **Oh. Yes, that.

**Hector: **I hate to interrupt, but Paris and I need to have a little chat.

**Helen: **I'll just wait here, shall I.

**Hector: **By all means.

MEANWHILE, IN SPARTA--

**Guard: **So _this_ is where his wife's bedchamber is. Damn. So who was that last night…?

**Menelaus: **(ignores)

**Servant woman: **It's not what it looks like!

**Men: **…

**Servant woman: **Er…yeah…you didn't see anything, did you…

**Menelaus: **Nooo, but is there anything you'd like to tell us?

**Servant woman: **About last night, I--

**Menelaus: **Where the fuck is my wife?

**Servant woman: **She kicked me out when that Trojan princess came in. She likes the girly-girls.

**Guard: **(discreet cough) That was a prince, actually.

**Servant woman: **Really? Damn.

**Menelaus: **Really? Damn.

**Fisherman: **Really? Damn.

**Second Guard: **(smacks forehead) Oh, yeah! Here, we found this fisherman, he says he saw your bint leave with the Trojan bint. Says he saw her board their ship.

**Fisherman: **That's not the only thing she boarded. Boarded that Trojan princess too, I'll wager. (chuckles lecherously)

**First Guard: **It was a guy. Am I the only one to notice this…?

**Second Guard: **Well, we can't _all_ be shagging Prince Hector. Most of us were with his sister.

**First Guard: **That was his BROTHER.

**Everyone else: **(stare) (laugh) Hahaha! You had us going for a minute there.

**Menelaus: **So, anyway. Fisherman--

**Fisherman: **--or woman!

**Menelaus: **(concedes) or woman. Right, did my bird leave with anyone?

**Fisherman: **A couple of Trojan bastards. I turned to look at my nets for two seconds, and when I turn round, my boats' up on cement blocks, my radio's gone, and my son is pregnant!

**Menelaus: **…yeah…soooo…Trojans took her, right?

**Fisherman: **And another thing--

**Menelaus: **But my wife, the pretty one, she went away with the Trojans, yes?

**Fisherman: **Yeah, but now my son--

**Menelaus: **There will be no mpregs in this story! Throw the goddamn fisherman--

**Fisherman: **--or woman.

**Menelaus: **I DON'T CARE! Get my ships ready, boys--

**Fisherman: **--or girls.

**Menelaus: **Will you shut up! Anyway, we're going to see me brother.

**Fisherman: **--or sister.

**Menelaus: **Why are you so obsessed with women, Stan?

**Fisherman: **My name's Dennis. And I want to be one.

**Menelaus: **WTF?

**Fisherman: **I want to be a woman.

**Menelaus: **This is so screwed up. I'm leaving for Agamemnon's flat. Later, sux0rz!

**Fisherman: **So's your face.

**Menelaus: **You--screw you.

**Fisherman: **So--

**Guard: **(throws fisherman out window)

**Menelaus: **Thanks, mate. (Winks lasciviously) You get an extra bedtime kiss.

**Guard: **…………………

--BACK ON THE TROJAN SHIP--

**Hector: **Turn around. Take us back to Sparta.

**Helmsman: **(winks) So, gotten fond of Menelaus after all, eh?

**Hector: **I am not speaking to you either.

**Helmsman: **(shrug) Suit yourself. I'm easy.

**Paris: **Really? So am I. (leans in) (wraps arms around helmsman's waist) (whispers huskily) Maybe we have more in common.

**Hector: **PARIS! GET YOUR HORNY ASS UP HERE! We are having _words,_ mister.

**Paris: **Yes, brother. (winks at helmsman) You can steer my tiller any day, cutie.

**Hector: **Paris, what did Dad say about screwing the soldiers?

**Paris: **Fine, fine. (sulk)

**Helmsman: **Actually, I'm technically not a soldier…

**Hector: **(GLARE)

**Helmsman: **(shuts up) (goes back to steering boat whilst sneaking glances at Paris' ass)

**Paris: **Wait, wait--

**Hector: **You freaking dumbass. You fool. You moron. You cretin. You idiot. You twit. You git. You berk. You eejit. You stupid sod. You daft bugger. You utter wanker. You gormless prat. You--

**Paris: **Yes, yes, I get it, I'm stupid. Moving on…?

**Hector: **Do you realise what you've done?

**Paris: **Yes! Wait, no. No I don't.

**Hector: **Do you know how many people our father shagged for peace?

**Paris: **But I love her!

**Hector**: That's what you said about whatsisname, Lysander, and those serving girls, and those serving boys, and that--

**Paris**: (cough) Your point?

**Hector**: Ugh. Your roam from town to town bedding everyone you come across and their brother.

**Paris**: Yeahh, about that--

**Hector**: You say you want to die for love? You know nothing about dying and you know nothing about love!

**Paris**: I never said--

**Hector**: Well, you SAY you don't want me to fight your battles for you, but you've really screwed up this time so I'm going to save your stupid ass so I don't get grounded again. TO TROY!

**Helmsman:** Goddamnit, make up your mind!


	6. The Greatest Party

A/N: Oh my...this story may be edging into R territory. I'll probably have to change it by the next chapter. Ah well! Enjoy.

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**MYCENAE - GREECE**

**Menelaus:** (nances up path, delicately stepping around piles of dung)

**Guard #5:** Ummm…Dare!

**Guard #12:** OMG! Someone's coming, yo!

**Guards: **(scatter)

**Menelaus: **(throws doors open) RAAAAAARGH!

**Door Guards: **Milord, they're swinging--

**Menelaus:** (gets hit in back by swinging doors) (flies across room from impact)

**Door Guards:** …

**Agamemnon:** (takes massive goblet off his head) (cough) (tries to look dignified)

**Menelaus:** I want my bird back.

**Agamemnon: **Course ya do, brudda! 'E was a fine chicken, 'e was!

**Menelaus:** No, my WIFE.

**Agamemnon:** Ya marry a chicken, then?

**Menelaus: N**ever mind. Look, Helen's gone. I want her back so I can kill her with my own to hands.

**Agamemnon:** What ya want a chicken's back for? Ya ain't gon' be able to kill Helen wit that.

**Menelaus:** What the hell are you on? Anyway, I won't rest till I've burned Troy to the ground.

**Agamemnon:** Di'n't ya want peace wit Troy jus' las' year, brudda?

**Menelaus:** I should have listened to you, but I didn't. So are you going to help me or what?

**Agamemnon:** Peace is for wimmin and--no, wait, the wimmin fight too…go on. Relationships are forged by war.

**Menelaus:** All my life I've stood by your side, covered for you when you skipped holy days because you were behind the columnade shagging. You're the elder, you get the hot ones. This is the way of the world. But have I ever complained, brother? Have I ever told Mommy? Have I ever asked you to share?

**Agamemnon: **No, you were a good little snot-nosed kid.

**Menelaus:** What the hell happened to your weird accent? Oh well. Will you go to war with me, brother?

**Agamemnon:** Wait…I thought you wanted to fight Troy!

**Menelaus:** Will you go to war and be on my side, brother?

**Agamemnon:** Weeeeellll…I dunno…

**Menelaus:** I'll do the dishes for a month.

**Agamemnon:** Done. Let's go.

**Both:** (ghetto handshake imitation) (jump up and slam chests together football-style) HOORAH!

LATER

**Agamemnon:** I've always thought my brother's wife was a minx, but she's proved to be very … (leers) useful.

**Nestor:** (rolls eyes) Look, the Trojans have never been into the kinky conquering thing. Some say they can't, cos they're eunuchs. Some say they're just playing hard to get.

**Agamemnon:** That sexy beast Priam thinks he's untouchable. Prig. High walls. Pfeh. Obviously some sort of pervy joke on his part. He thinks the Sun God is in a legitimate monogamous relationship with him. Ha! But the gods shag only the slutty! If Troy 'falls,' I control the Aegean!

**Nestor:** Kinky. But not happening. You forgot about Hector. He commands the prettiest army in the East.

**Agamemnon:** I'll attack them with the horniest force the world has ever seen! I want all the kings of Greece and their armies. Send chocolates in the morning.

**Nestor:** One last thing. We need Achilles and his Myrmidons.

**Agamemnon:** Tsk. He can't be controlled! He's as likely to shag us as the Trojans!

**Nestor:** We don't need to control him, you kinky old bastard. WE need to unleash him. That ho was born to create lives.

**Agamemnon: **Not necessarily.

**Nestor:** Well, yes, yes, I concede that he does sleep with a lot of guys and this isn't an mpreg fic, as we have already established. Still.

**Agamemnon: **Yes, he's a gifted shagger, but he threatens all my relationships. Before me, Greece was boring. I slashed all the Greek kingdoms together until they agreed to date. I created relationships out of fiery one-night stands and snake-eating! I am the dominant one in all my relationships. MEEEEEEE! (has temper tantrum)

**Nestor:** (soothingly) Yes, yes, of course.

**Agamemnon: **(sniffle) (sulky) Achilles is the past. A man who fights for no lover. A man loyal to no significant other.

**Nestor:** How many battles have we won because of his--

**Agamemnon: **(stare)

**Nestor:** I was GOING to say ego. I know you hate sword jokes. This will be the greatest party the world has ever seen we need the greatest shagger.

**Agamemnon: **There's only one man that can prevent Achilles from ravishing him on sight.


	7. ARRRMY TRAINING, SIR! Odysseus

A/N: Ah, yet another chapter of this horrible mess. Yay! (rubs hands together) Let's get on with it, shall we? I think I'll bump the rating up now, save myself some trouble along the line. That is, I'll save myself _from _trouble, not save trouble for later. But anyways, here you go. The infamous Swordfighting Scene!

This was so much fun to write...I love this fic...Muffins and cyber cookies to everyone who reviewed!

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**PHTIA--GREECE**

**Achilles and Patroclus: **("sword fighting")

**Audience: **(snigger)

**Patroclus:** (giggles and nances away)

**Achilles:** AHHH! Where did he go?

**Patroclus: **(leaps out) (giggles) HA!

(they continue to "swordfight")

**Achilles:** Parry, parry, thrust! Never hesitate, sweetie pie. (throws Patroclus against rock)

**Patroclus:** EEK! (leaps off rock ninja style)

(they battle ninja style)

**Achilles:** Meh. Boring. Let's go back to… (leer) swordfighting.

(they "swordfight" yet again…)

**Horses: **(nance up path)

**Patroclus:** (pirouettes) Whee! (foreplay with wooden sword…the practice weapon…the one in his hand made from a tree…) Nervous? (flirtatious wink)

**Achilles:** Petrified. You're not supposed to be so butch. (wails) SCAWY! (curls into corner and sobs) (sulky sobbing)

**Patroclus:** (sulk) You're no fun when you're so whiny.

**Achilles:** You know what? (grabs Patroclus' arm, twists, shoves Patroclus against pillar)

**Patroclus:** Mmm, much better.

**Achilles:** (ravishes Patroclus)

**Patroclus:** People are coming! Quick, make this look innocent and non-incestuous!

**Achilles:** (continues ravishing)

**Patroclus:** That means stop groping me! (shoves Achilles away)

(they "swordfight" some more…)

**Patroclus:** You told me never to change sword hands.

**Achilles:** Well, that's just when you're with me. When you're with Hector, I don't really care how good you are. Screw Hector.

**Patroclus:** But you did, remember that one time at the party when you got really drunk and got up and--

**Achilles:** (whacks Patroclus in the windpipe) (shouts loudly) HA HA HA I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, DEAR COUSIN OF MINE!

**Patroclus:** (falls onto hands and knees, wheezing)

**Achilles:** (kicks sword away) I WIN! (notices Patroclus on hands and knees) Ooh, good idea! (walks over to spear) I think I'll throw this at someone! (tries to throw spear at rabbit hopping by but narrowly misses Odysseus sixty yards away) Goddamnit!

**Spear:** Yay! I kick ass cos you can make even more spear jokes than sword jokes, cos the non-pointy bit of a spear is called the butt! Hahahaha! (hits tree)

**Tree:** WTF, yo!

**Spear:** Ow. (notices tree) Hey, sexy.

**Odysseus:** (pulls spear out of tree)

**Spear:** Goddamnit!

(Odysseus and Achilles exchange suspiciously friendly greetings, calling each other "friend" far too often than normal)

**Soldier:** "Friends," eh? Is that what they're calling it these days? (shrugs) Ah well. Tempora mutantur, as they say, eh?

**Other soldier:** What in hell?

**Soldier:** 'S Latin. Great people, the Romans.

**Other Soldier:** They haven't been invented yet!

**Soldier: **Says who?

**History teachers watching movie:** GLARING ANACHRONISM! GLARING ANACHRONISM! SO PAINFUL IT MUST BE POINTED OUT!

**Other soldier:** (points) That's who.

**Soldier: **(flips off History teachers in audience) Screw 'em. If glaring anachronisms ain't allowed, how come we've all been shagging Cassander, eh? Eh?

**Rest of male cast:** Well, yes, that's true. See, if we got rid of glaring anachronisms then we'd have to wait _ages_ to shag Cassander, seeing as how he's not born for another couple hundred years.

**Priam: **DO we get to shag in the Elysian fields, then?

**Commodus:** (looks up from Maximus) Course we do! Not much point otherwise, then, is there?

**Everyone:** Well, yeah, he's got a point there…

**History teachers watching movie:** GLARING ANACHRONISM! GLARING ANACHRONISM! SO PAINFUL IT MUST BE POINTED OUT!

**Achilles:** (coughs) Moving on. (Drags Patroclus forward in particularly kinky way) This is Patroclus, my cousin.

**Odysseus:** "Cousins," eh? Is that what they're calling it these days? (shrugs) Ah well. Tempora mutantur, as they say, eh?

**Author:** Let's not go through that bit again, shall we? Move on to the innuendo.

**Odysseus:** (gives introductions, providing back-story as to how Achilles', ahem, 'cousin' is staying with him) Now you're learning from Achilles himself, eh? Kings would kill for the honour, but Achilles is so easy they don't have to.

**Achilles:** (with pride) Yep, I'm the biggest slut this side of the Aegean!

**Odysseus: **Erm…yeah… (awkward) That's kinda sorta what I'm here for. We need to talk.

**Achilles:** He's icky. I'm not "fighting" for him.

**Odysseus:** I'm not asking him to fight for him. I'm asking you to "fight" for the Greeks.

**Achilles:** What, all of them? Okay, I suppose, but I had better get as much wine as I can drink without passing out at this party you're planning. But why? Are the Greeks tired of "fighting" each other?

**Patroclus:** (smiles My-boyfriend-just-made-a-funny-joke smile)

**Odysseus:** For now.

**Achilles:** The Trojans never snubbed me.

**Odysseus:** They snubbed Greece.

**Achilles:** They snubbed one Greek. Menelaus is icky. What business is that of mine?

**Odysseus:** Your business generally consists of shagging any male humanoid with a pulse.

**Achilles:** Is it? The man has no prettiness.

**Odysseus:** Let Achilles put out for prettiness, let Agamemnon put out for power, and let the gods decide which man to bang.

**Patroclus: **I wanna shag the Greeks! (leaps on Achilles again) GREEKS ARE TEH SMEX!

**Odysseus:** "Fight" for me. You know how wild these things can get for unattached blokes. My wife will feel much better if she knows you're by my side, hell, I'll feel much better.

(Achilles and Patroclus are, yes, you guessed it, sword fighting. Again.)

**Achilles:** (smacks Patroclus on the ass with his sword)

(they leap on each other and snog passionately)

**Odysseus:** There will be boats and camp-outs on the beach. There may even be s'mores.

**Patroclus:** Prince Hector. Is he as good a "warrior" as they say?

**Odysseus:** Everyone says he's the best of all the Trojans. (sidelong glance at Achilles) Some say he's better than all the Greeks, too. Even if your "cousin" doesn't come, we'd love it if you did. (leers) We could always use a strong arm like yours. (eyes Patroclus appreciatively) The rest of you too. (feels Patroclus up) You'd have to ask your, ahem, ask your cousin about the Hector thing, though. I seem to remember that at that one party--

**Achilles:** (tries to whack Odysseus across windpipe) HA HA HA OLD FRIEND, WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

**Odysseus:** (ducks)

**Achilles:** And stop playing your tricks on my cousin! He, unlike me, isn't into that sort of thing. (waggles eyebrows suggestively)

**Odysseus:** You have your "sword," I have my tricks. We play with the toys the gods give us. Especially that one you and Hector were playing with, remember when you--

**Achilles:** I WAS DRUNK AND STONED OFF MY ASS, OKAY?

**Odysseus:** (to Patroclus) No he wasn't… (louder) Anyways, I'll be off then. Just so you know, Achilles, this "war" will never be forgotten. Nor will the men who shag in it. Boats leave in three days. Be there or be _square_, man! Peace out. (leaves dramatically)

**Achilles:** (tries to look thoughtful and insightful but ends up looking like a monkey in the middle of doing a massive fart)

**Patroclus:** (got bored while the 'men' were talking and wandered off to "archery lessons" with Cassander)

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Remember, reviews make the chapters come faster! And there's no way in hell I'm finishing before the end of August, seeing as how today's the twenty-fourth and I'm on the seventh chapter...but who knows? If I get enough reviews my muse may be appeased enough to crank out a dozen chapters or so in the next day or two. (hint hint) Bonus points to whoever knows the movie I nicked the title from.


	8. Glory and Doom DOOM DoOm dOoM doomy DOOM

All right you little minxes, there are well over a thousand hits on this story and there are fifteen reviews. Come on, now. Jubil, Allergic-to-Paradox, Kaytara, Boho Bella, Lauren, rattieroo, thepossessed, llama beans, Yin.Yang.Sisters, and SeraphOfMortality, I love you guys forever and ever.

The rest of you, I want reviews. Come on. Take the extra six seconds and make me happy. Please.

Whether or not you decide to review (cough) (cough) here is the eighth chapter. Rejoice! You know, when Monkey-Man is standing at the bow of the ship, there's a guy in the distance that shouts something that to my mind sounds like "one two three four" like the beginning of a Ramones song...only, I like Blitzkrieg Bop so I stuck it in. That is my blurb. Read now.

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**Achilles:** (struts down beach with hands on hips, trying to be flirtatious)

**Guys on boat:** WOOO! YEAH! SHAKE THAT ASS!

**Achilles:** (wiggles ass and flicks hair back) You know you want me!

**Guys on boat:** CASSANDER! Yeah, boi! WOOO!

**Achilles:** God damn Cassander. That bitch is going DOWN. And I don't mean that in the way Agamemnon uses it. It is ON.

**Cassander:** (totally unconcerned) Bring it, yo.

**Achilles:** Oh yeah?

**Cassander:** Yeah.

**Achilles: **Your momma, that's what! Ooh, snap! (does snappy thing)

**Cassander:** (shrugs) (sloppy make out with Patroclus)

**Achilles:** It is OVER between us Cassander, you know that? OVER! It is SOOO OVER! (sobs) I want my MOMMY! Cos SHE can beat up YOUR mommy. Cos in canon, MY mommy's an IMMORTAL!

**Cassander:** Pff. Whatever, ho. Bee tee dubya, your sarong is soooo last season. Catch you on the flip side, yo, I've got archery practice. (snaps fingers)

**Rest of male cast:** (follows Cassander, drooling)

**History teachers in audience:** (wincing) (eyes twitch uncontrollably)

**Achilles:** Ma…hey…(shuffles awkwardly)

**Mum:** I _wish_ those soldiers would stop throwing their condoms in the pool…

**Achilles:** (cough) Yeah…I'll speak to them about it…

**Mum:** Well, we all know what they say about soldiers.

**Achilles: **(nods)

**Mum:** So, anyway, I knew they would come for you.

**Achilles:** Look mum, I already said I'd talk to the soldiers about it; I'll get some slaves or something to clean the room afterwards…

**Mum:** (cough) I was talking about Odysseus trying to shanghai you into going to the party…I knew this would happen, long before you were born…they want you to shag in Troy.

**Achilles:** Well, yeah, you were at one of those parties and nine months later I popped out…so can I go? My chores are done and everything. (folds arms, trying to make biceps look bigger)

**History teachers in audience:** (squirm)

**Mum:** ….

**Achilles:** (rolls eyes) Like, Oh em gee, mother, like EVERYONE is like going like to like the like party, like oh em gee, like why like can't like I like go like too, like? Like? (thinks a minute) Like?

**Mum: **I'm making you another seashell necklace, like the ones you used to wear as a cross-dressing little boy. Now you're a cross-dressing man. Do you _really_ all wear those leather miniskirts in battle?

**Achilles:** Well, yes, it allows for freedom of movement and--

**Mum:** Oh, cos I had a bitch of a time getting some of those stains out.

**Achilles:** (chokes) MOTHER!

**Mum:** Well if you're going to bleed all over your skirt, that's fine with me. You can _ask_ for a tampon, you know, if it's really that bad.

**Achilles:** MOTHER! I am a man!

**Mum:** Yes, of course dear. You have boobs, for Medusa's sake.

**Achilles:** Pecs, mother. These are pectorals.

**Mum: **MM-hmm, sure they are. Now HECTOR, Hector's a real man. Sexy, strong, not a pansy-ass like you. I can't believe my son is such a slut. Honestly. I can't believe you want in on this party.

**Achilles:** Hector's going to be there.

**Mum:** He _is_? Mrrow. I may pop by.

**Achilles:** (hopping from one foot to other) Muuuummeeeee…tonight, can you decide?

**Mum:** Hmm…if you stay in Larisa, she'll eventually squeeze a few out and you'll have a family and god damn do I want grandkids! Grandkids are the gods' reward for not killing your own children (glare) and I certainly deserve a reward. If not grandkids, then send me Hector; he'll do quite nicely. Anyway, your family will love you but your social status will be shot and you will be regarded as a stable sensible pillar of the community who is trustworthy and reliable and a loving caring father and grandfather and your kids will not party but will be model citizens just like you.

**Achilles:** Yeah, that sucks. Fucking conformists. So what happens if I go to Troy? Will there be boinking?

**Mum:** If you go to Troy, glory and sexy men will be yours. I will never have grandkids and I will be so pissed, you won't even be able to imagine. They will write stories about your debauchery for thousands of years, and over-excitable girls will post things about you on the internet, and you will be in many motion pictures. You'll probably drink yourself into unconsciousness one night and die. For your partying gloreh goes hand in hand with your doom, like you used to go hand-in-hand with Hector until that party. Whatever happened?

**Achilles:** Great, so yeah, there will be bangin' if I go to Troy?

**Mum: **DOOM!

**History teachers in audience:** (shake heads)

**Achilles:** Yes, got the doom bit down, but will I get down?

**Mum:** Doom, doom, doom! DOOM! There will be DOOM rained down upon the DOOMED heads of DOOMED enemies! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

**History teachers in audience:** (whimpering)

**Achilles:** Mother, am I going to polish spears, practice archery, swordfight, sleep with anyone, bang, boink, shag, fuck, screw, or in any other terms have mad hot man sex if I got to the party at Troy? Really, that's all I want to know.

**Mum:** (sings Doom Song) Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom Doomy doomy doom doom doom doom doomy doomy doomy doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom

**History teachers in audience:** (outright sobbing)

**Achilles: **MOTHER!

**Mum: **There will be many weapons unsheathed at Troy…also there will be sex. Go forth and conquer, my son! (resumes singing Doom Song)

**Achilles:** (pumps fist in air) SCOOOOOORE! (squints off into the distance, trying to look majestic and thoughtful, but looks like he's getting kneed in the groin and is trying to bear it stoically)

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**Achilles:** (pumps fist in air) SCOOOOOORE! (squints off into the distance, trying to look majestic and thoughtful, but looks like he's getting kneed in the groin and is trying to bear it stoically)

**Patroclus:** Sure, sure, announce it to the world…good gods, we need some tunes out here, this is sooo boring! (rigs up karaoke machine)

**History teachers in audience:** (convulsing on floor)

**Man in distance:** I said a-one, a-two, a-one two three four!

(drums)

**Agamemnon: **(picks up mic) (sings) Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!

**Myrmidons:** Oi, who are you callin' a ho?

**Agamemnon:** No, not you, just Achilles.

**Myrmidons:** Okay.

(everyone sings) They're formin' in a straight line, dah, nah, They're goin' through a tight wind, dah, nah, the kids are losin' their minds, the Blitzkrieg Bop! They're pilin' in the back seat, dah, nah, they're generatin' steam heat, dah, nah, pulsating to the back beat, the Blitzkrieg Bop!

**History teachers in audience:** (dance)

**Achilles; **ENOUGHHHH! The Ramones are lame, yo. Let's put something else on. (grabs Kelly Clarkson CD) Shit, yeah!

**History teachers in audience:** (are miserable once more)

**Patroclus:** No way, man. I can't be with someone who don't dig the Ramones, man. I'm leaving you for Cassander, you dig?

**Myrmidons:** Uhh…yeah, us too.

**Cassander:** Shit, yeah! The Ramones are fuckin' sweet, man.

**Achilles:** Wait! (waves another CD around) I HAVE HILARY DUFF!

**History teachers in audience:** (have abandoned all hope at this point and are trying to get some sleep, poor overworked people that they are)

**Everyone else:** (ignores)

**Achilles:** Screw this. (messes with the sails) (puts on Kelly Clarkson/Hilary Duff/Britney Spears mix whilst everyone's trying to fix the sails)

**Other ships:** (move away from Achilles' ship)

**Achilles:** Ha! My cunning plan has worked!

**Patroclus: **Um, to get ahead of all the other ships?

**Achilles:** (cough) Yes. That. Of course.

**Camera:** (gets bored and wanders around, checking out the other ships in hopes of finding Cassander)

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If you review, the next time anyone comes and steals your wife I will personally march across the Aegean and kick the thief's ass for you.

If you like guys, then...um...I suppose I could try kidnapping Hector for you?

Sweet Apollo (god of youth and beauty...heh...) but Cassander is hot...go watch Alexander. You can skip all the battle-y bits, nothing really happens other than close-ups of a sweaty Alexander and NO one wants to see that. Anywhoooo...yeah. I may or may not write another chapter today. You know what? Hell, I have nothing else to do. Why not.


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